Confessions of a Jersey Shore fan – Outing myself to Jersey Shore locals (and still feeling a little dirty afterwards)

3 Feb

Ok, I have a confession to make.  And it’s been a long time coming, but…

I am a fan of MTV’s Jersey Shore. And I SHOULDN’T be.  But I am.  There, I said it.

Cannot freakin’ wait to see what antics those lovable train-wrecks are going to get into tonight. (I think tonight’s episode focuses on Ron-Ron is getting an anal probe!)

Thanks to the casties of MTV’s Jersey Shore I have learned:

  • New euphemisms for referencing intimate relations and female body parts.
  • How to be a good wingman.  Grenade Whistles for all!
  • That the cast is a walking PSA for safe sex/abstinence.  Seriously, kids…this show should make you want to RUN to your parents and slap on that ol’ purity ring.  Yeah, that’s right Selena Gomez…I’m talking to you…take it easy and slow with the Bieb-ster.
  • That Snooki and Deena’s definition and personification of “being classy” makes the porn star who recently went on an all-night cocaine bender with Charlie Sheen look like Mother Teresa.
  • Kitchen Ditchin’…nuff, said.

I know I am not alone. Eight million viewers tuned in last week, giving MTV’s its highest ratings for a primetime show EVER.  The Snooki-fication of the country has become an interesting “Situation.”   (Did you know that Chuck Schumer saw Snooki at Reagan National, waved, said hello…AND SHE DIDN”T KNOW WHO HE WAS AND IGNORED HIM???)

So as you can imagine… I now have to use discretion when the inevitable subject of where I live is broached. And the enormous pop-culture relevancy that Jersey Shore has become has spawned trickle-down fall-out effects on the locals who actually call the Jersey Shore home.  Here are various scenarios that I have encountered in the last few months since the show’s debut.

At a proposal meeting with clients:

Client 1: So, you’re a local, too.  It’s nice to say “Jersey Shore” among locals these days.

Me:  Yup, I have lifelong roots here.  And I know what you mean.   (conspiratorial tone)  We have to stick together, you know.

Client 2: That MTV show.  Ugghhhh…what utter trash.  TRASH, I TELL YOU.  Explaining why Jersey is great is an uphill battle…and those disgusting creatures are doing a fantastic job of throwing more trash on the heap.

Me: (nodding, sympathetic) I know what you mean.  I mean, I’ve never seen the show, but you can’t help but not see reports about it.

Client 1:  Yeah, like that, “SCHNOOKIE”.  Or is it “SOOKIE”?

Me: “SNOOKI”  (quickly covering my tracks and clearing my throat) So, I’ve seen on the Web.

Client  2:  She’s total trash. (shudders)

Me: Yup.  Traaash-tastic.  (looking at my watch) Ummm…Can we talk about what your needs for this project are?

Client 1:  Oh…riiiight…yes let’s get started.

***

On the couch at my weekly therapy session:

Doctor: So, get this…the other day, Bruce (Springsteen) was working out at the local gym.

Me:  Really, we go to the same gym?  What time is he there?

Doctor: Well, he goes to other location…anyway, get this..Bruce is working out on the machines, and then the Situation walks in.  WITH TWO BODYGUARDS.  I mean, COME ON!  Bruce just rolled his eyes.

Me: Ummm…wow.  (looking at my watch) Well…getting back to my problem.

Doctor: ohhh…riiiight.

***

Taking a first stab at talking to a cute guy from Manhattan at a party (since my separation):

Him: So, do you live on the Upper East Side, too?

Me:  No,  I live in New Jersey.

Him: Oh.  Well, I guess Hoboken or Jersey City isn’t so bad.  The PATH takes you right in.

Me (evasive): Well…actually I live a little further south.  About 45 minutes or so once you get out of the Holland Tunnel.

Him (leary): Is that like the Jersey… Shoooore?

Me: Umm…yeah.  But even though I live near the beach, I still live 45 minutes from where the show is filmed.  And I don’t live in a party town.  We call Seaside Heights  “Sleaze-side Heights”, you know.

Him: oooohhh…So do you run into Snooki or the Situation often then? And why aren’t you tan?

Me:  OMG,  didn’t you listen to a word I said?

Him: Umm…I have to go now.

Side note: (And it wasn’t my legally-separated status that scared him off…amazing!)

***

Talking to a realtor friend whose main territory includes the Jersey Shore towns of Bradley Beach, Lake Como and Spring Lake.

Her:  Did you know that I have to be careful now when I talk to prospective buyers who are not from New Jersey?  They freak out when I say that the property is located on the Jersey Shore.  I can’t use “Jersey Shore” as a location in my listing descriptions.  I think “Jersey Shore” has even lowered property values.

Me: (thinking of  the $5 million dollar Victorian beachfront estates in Spring Lake) Ummm…wow.  That’s some pretty heavy sh*t.

Her:  RIIIIIGHT???

So, you see the dilemma I’m in…this show is actually causing some serious pain for Jersey Shore locals.  I shouldn’t watch.  I really shouldn’t. And, yet, I still do, while those casties wreck Seaside Heights and basic moral decency while LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK.  It’s like watching airplane crash coverage.  You know it’s macabre, morbid and sad…but you are just compelled to watch.

Oy…Something’s gotta give.

(*) Author side note:  Around these parts, Bruce Springsteen (aka “The Boss”) is just referred to as Bruce.  In fact, it is 100% understood that if you just say “Bruce”, that you are referring to Mr. Springsteen.  He happily goes about his day-to-day business in Monmouth County and nobody bothers him, which is pretty cool, given his celebrity.  If you say, “Hi, Bruce”, he’ll smile and say “hi” back.

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2 Responses to “Confessions of a Jersey Shore fan – Outing myself to Jersey Shore locals (and still feeling a little dirty afterwards)”

  1. Maureen February 3, 2011 at 6:30 pm #

    Glad you posted this week! I always look forward to it. However, I have to say that those people on Jersey Shore are disgusting human beings and you should feel bad that you watch the show! I would like to apologize in advance to the people of Italy for the disgusting Americans that will be wreaking havoc on a beautiful culture in the very near future. Americans and Jersey have a bad enough wrap as it is without those knuckleheads. Disgraceful. I can’t even watch 10 seconds if i am channel surfing and that horrible show is on as I cruise past. Such a waste of life.

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