Happy Valentine’s Day from an eHarmony reject! (It’s not you…it’s me.)

14 Feb

Words of love and Valentine’s wisdom from an actual eHarmony reject…moi!

Oh, snap! That would mean I'd actually have to have been ACCEPTED by eHarmony.

This would have been my first Valentine’s Day as a married woman…and if you have been a loyal (or casual) reader, you know that isn’t happening.  But it’s only 12:30 p.m., and the day has gotten off to an auspicious start.

The weather is absolutely gorgeous…a balmy 55 degrees and sunshine in February.  RedBox sent me a text message for a free DVD rental.  And I just got a FedEx delivery of ProFlowers from my dog.    Well, actually, my parents thought it’d be cute to send the flowers (gorgeous spring tulips) to me from my #1 little man, since he’s who I’ll be spending Valentine’s Day with.  Plus, sending the ProFlowers earned Mom some Facebook gaming credit so that she can build her Zynga CafeWorld empire.  Clever marketing, guys…my mom cared enough to send the very best, so long as it gave her some much needed Facebook points.  So, thanks.

At least the dog didn’t send red roses.  That would have been weird.

An old friend (let’s call him Sam) asked me last week if I was ready to start dating again.  I thought about it and realized that I am still enjoying being alone.  It’s a freeing feeling…the only responsibility you have is to yourself.  You can sleep sprawled out in bed (like a starfish!) and not have to deal with snoring and kicking legs.  You can do whatever you want.

If being a soon-to-be-ex-wife has given me anything during these months of emotional hell, it’s that I’ve earned the right to say whatever the f*ck I want and not apologize for it.  And that’s a delicious feeling that I’m not quite ready to let go of yet.

Still, Sam pressed.

Sam: “Don’t you get lonely?  Why don’t you put yourself out there on eHarmony and just start having a torrid e-mail relationship with someone? Maybe he’ll be in Idaho, and then it would stretch things out over the year.  You wouldn’t have to see him!”

Me: “Nah…too much effort.  That would mean I have to actually emotionally invest in someone.  And care.  I’m way too tired and beyond that for right now.  Besides…there’s something you should know. I’m actually an eHarmony reject.”

Sam: (choking, then hysterically laughing to the point that I swear he started crying) “No, come on.  You’re sh&*ing me.”

Me: “No, really, it’s true.  I can’t make this stuff up.”

Back in 2007, I took the eHarmony questionnaire.  I was tired of the losers on Match.com.  I wasn’t Jewish yet, so JDate wasn’t really an option for me.  I figured that eHarmony was the wave of the dating future, and that I would simply be paired with my soulmate within a matter of a few clicks.  (Conventional wisdom…If it sounds too good to be true, it usually is.) The questionnaire was long and asked questions that were simple enough (ex. Do you like to go out a lot?) to character-probing (ex. How messed up are you because of your childhood?)  I really hemmed and hawed, and figured that honesty was the best policy…’cause we’re talking about finding your soulmate, right?

One hour later, I hit “submit”…and was ROUNDLY REJECTED.  I got a white screen with a sad face saying that eHarmony rejects about 20% of its applicants.  Which I took to mean-

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

I tried to not think too much about it, and rationalized that I was just too complicated and mysterious of a woman to be matched up with some sweet, sensitive schlub from Idaho.  Plus “eHarmony Reject” would have made an awesome conversation t-shirt.  And I had more important issues to delve into on the therapy couch. Riiiight…

Fast forward to last week.  I received an email from Sam titled “no harmony”.  He delved into eHarmony blogs and stats to figure out why indeed I was rejected 4 years ago.

Here’s what he found, along with his commentary…

REASON #1. You said you are SEPARATED or MARRIED on page 1. 30% of eHarmony rejects fall into this category, according to a May 2007 article in the Washington Post.

Nope

REASON #2. You said you are BELOW 20 on page 1. 27% percent fall into this category.

Sorry to say it but this is a definite Nope

REASON #3. You said you were MARRIED MORE THAN TWICE on page 1.1 “EHarmony also rejects anyone younger than 60 who’s been married more than four times,” according to the Washington Post article.

Ummmm.  No, right?

REASON #4. Your answers don’t tally, i.e., (a) you clicked randomly or (b) for example, you put “1″ under Aloof on page 1, but checked “Outgoing” on page 6. 9% of rejects fall into this category.

DID YOU REALLY GET BORED ANSWERING EVERYTHING?

REASON #5. You scored low on the following traits — eHarmony calls them dimensions:

Self-Concept (how you perceive yourself)

Emotional Status (feeling happy, fulfilled and hopeful)

Character (honesty and trustworthiness)

Obstreperousness (the black hole dimension)

Emotion Management: Anger (expressing negative emotions constructively)

Conflict Resolution (resolving issues).

Family Background (happy childhood and supportiveness of your parents)

You are one of a kind I suppose it told you, and there is no one in the database quite up to par.  There are other terms I could use, but I’m in a giving mood since I just self-repaired a television.

After examining Sam’s results, I surmised that I probably failed because eHarmony perceived me as obstreperous. The “trigger” questions are listed below, along with the “correct” responses that somebody who wants to gain access to an online dating site should choose.

Are you Agreeable – very much

Optimistic – very much

I need to win at whatever I am involved in – not at all

I can accept the circumstances of my life as they are – very much

I try to make sure that my position prevails – not at all

I am passionate/intense about my position – not at all

Knowing that my spouse is usually to blame when things go wrong – not at all

I have always been a realist, rather than an optimist.  I was described by teachers as an over-achiever who didn’t play well with others.  In my younger days, I would argue a point, despite a friendship being ruined as a result of my stubbornness.  My mom still calls me Miss CrabbyCakes.  So it’s no wonder that I didn’t get through the eHarmony gates.  But at least I didn’t lie.

***

Sam: “You know, I have an account on eHarmony.”

Me: “WAIT.  YOU PASSED eHARMONY??? You are pretty much just like me, personality-wise.  Which can only mean one thing.  You LIED.  Cause you’re obstrep, obstetrics, strep throat, whatever.”

Sam:  “Yeah, but I still got on.  And I didn’t even think that getting rejected by it was an option.  Haha.”

Me: “You know, I’m not going to try it again.  I’m too afraid that if I get rejected again it would put me on the couch for even more hours.”

Sam: “I’m going to go back to my original assumption.  You’re one of a kind. ‘Night.”

I’m going to take Sam’s reasoning as a compliment, and not lose sleep over my inability to gain access to one of the most popular dating sites in the world.  (And say to eHarmony, “It’s not you…it’s me!”)

Happy Valentine’s Day, y’all. xoxo

Valentines Day 2011 card from my dog

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