Tag Archives: non-jersey girl

Happy Valentine’s Day from an eHarmony reject! (It’s not you…it’s me.)

14 Feb

Words of love and Valentine’s wisdom from an actual eHarmony reject…moi!

Oh, snap! That would mean I'd actually have to have been ACCEPTED by eHarmony.

This would have been my first Valentine’s Day as a married woman…and if you have been a loyal (or casual) reader, you know that isn’t happening.  But it’s only 12:30 p.m., and the day has gotten off to an auspicious start.

The weather is absolutely gorgeous…a balmy 55 degrees and sunshine in February.  RedBox sent me a text message for a free DVD rental.  And I just got a FedEx delivery of ProFlowers from my dog.    Well, actually, my parents thought it’d be cute to send the flowers (gorgeous spring tulips) to me from my #1 little man, since he’s who I’ll be spending Valentine’s Day with.  Plus, sending the ProFlowers earned Mom some Facebook gaming credit so that she can build her Zynga CafeWorld empire.  Clever marketing, guys…my mom cared enough to send the very best, so long as it gave her some much needed Facebook points.  So, thanks.

At least the dog didn’t send red roses.  That would have been weird.

An old friend (let’s call him Sam) asked me last week if I was ready to start dating again.  I thought about it and realized that I am still enjoying being alone.  It’s a freeing feeling…the only responsibility you have is to yourself.  You can sleep sprawled out in bed (like a starfish!) and not have to deal with snoring and kicking legs.  You can do whatever you want.

If being a soon-to-be-ex-wife has given me anything during these months of emotional hell, it’s that I’ve earned the right to say whatever the f*ck I want and not apologize for it.  And that’s a delicious feeling that I’m not quite ready to let go of yet.

Still, Sam pressed.

Sam: “Don’t you get lonely?  Why don’t you put yourself out there on eHarmony and just start having a torrid e-mail relationship with someone? Maybe he’ll be in Idaho, and then it would stretch things out over the year.  You wouldn’t have to see him!”

Me: “Nah…too much effort.  That would mean I have to actually emotionally invest in someone.  And care.  I’m way too tired and beyond that for right now.  Besides…there’s something you should know. I’m actually an eHarmony reject.”

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Confessions of a Jersey Shore fan – Outing myself to Jersey Shore locals (and still feeling a little dirty afterwards)

3 Feb

Ok, I have a confession to make.  And it’s been a long time coming, but…

I am a fan of MTV’s Jersey Shore. And I SHOULDN’T be.  But I am.  There, I said it.

Cannot freakin’ wait to see what antics those lovable train-wrecks are going to get into tonight. (I think tonight’s episode focuses on Ron-Ron is getting an anal probe!)

Thanks to the casties of MTV’s Jersey Shore I have learned:

  • New euphemisms for referencing intimate relations and female body parts.
  • How to be a good wingman.  Grenade Whistles for all!
  • That the cast is a walking PSA for safe sex/abstinence.  Seriously, kids…this show should make you want to RUN to your parents and slap on that ol’ purity ring.  Yeah, that’s right Selena Gomez…I’m talking to you…take it easy and slow with the Bieb-ster.
  • That Snooki and Deena’s definition and personification of “being classy” makes the porn star who recently went on an all-night cocaine bender with Charlie Sheen look like Mother Teresa.
  • Kitchen Ditchin’…nuff, said.

I know I am not alone. Eight million viewers tuned in last week, giving MTV’s its highest ratings for a primetime show EVER.  The Snooki-fication of the country has become an interesting “Situation.”   (Did you know that Chuck Schumer saw Snooki at Reagan National, waved, said hello…AND SHE DIDN”T KNOW WHO HE WAS AND IGNORED HIM???)

So as you can imagine… I now have to use discretion when the inevitable subject of where I live is broached. And the enormous pop-culture relevancy that Jersey Shore has become has spawned trickle-down fall-out effects on the locals who actually call the Jersey Shore home.  Here are various scenarios that I have encountered in the last few months since the show’s debut.

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Our Non-Jersey Girl dons “Jeggings” – fashion crime does not ensue (?)

11 Dec

This year for me has been all about major life changes (no, no, not that kind of life change…I’m only in my early 30’s.)  At times some of it was great…at times some of it was awful beyond comprehension…and at times some of it was truly triumphant.

"When it's time to change, you've got to re-arrange" - Peter Brady

I’ve had enough change this year to make Linda Blair’s (from the Exorcist) head turn 180 degrees and vomit pea soup. I’ve had to stop a lot along the way to re-evaluate myself, my goals, and where the next direction will take me.  And I’ve also had to re-learn how to breathe.

I think many women in a life-changing situation go through this internal reflection period, as well as a literal makeover. As Peggy Lee once crooned, “I’ve got to go wash that man out of my hair.”  It’s a cleansing process.  A re-affirmation of self.  Plus it just makes you feel good.

And little by little, I’ve been doing just that.  I had my long hair cut into a funky, edgy bob.  I treated myself to a new Bobbi Brown holiday makeup palette, and have been mastering the art of creating the perfect, sexy  “smoky eye” and mascara’ing my already long lashes to Lady Gaga lengths.  I got serious and finally lost the 20 pounds I had packed on in the last 2 years…(it’s called going to the gym and Weight Watchers, people.  It works.)

Last week I stared into the mirror and didn’t recognize the woman who stared back.  And I liked it.

So, still feeling confident, I decided this week to push the fashion envelope one more time.   I bought a pair of “jeggings”.

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