Happy Valentine’s Day from an eHarmony reject! (It’s not you…it’s me.)

Words of love and Valentine’s wisdom from an actual eHarmony reject…moi!

Oh, snap! That would mean I'd actually have to have been ACCEPTED by eHarmony.

This would have been my first Valentine’s Day as a married woman…and if you have been a loyal (or casual) reader, you know that isn’t happening.  But it’s only 12:30 p.m., and the day has gotten off to an auspicious start.

The weather is absolutely gorgeous…a balmy 55 degrees and sunshine in February.  RedBox sent me a text message for a free DVD rental.  And I just got a FedEx delivery of ProFlowers from my dog.    Well, actually, my parents thought it’d be cute to send the flowers (gorgeous spring tulips) to me from my #1 little man, since he’s who I’ll be spending Valentine’s Day with.  Plus, sending the ProFlowers earned Mom some Facebook gaming credit so that she can build her Zynga CafeWorld empire.  Clever marketing, guys…my mom cared enough to send the very best, so long as it gave her some much needed Facebook points.  So, thanks.

At least the dog didn’t send red roses.  That would have been weird.

An old friend (let’s call him Sam) asked me last week if I was ready to start dating again.  I thought about it and realized that I am still enjoying being alone.  It’s a freeing feeling…the only responsibility you have is to yourself.  You can sleep sprawled out in bed (like a starfish!) and not have to deal with snoring and kicking legs.  You can do whatever you want.

If being a soon-to-be-ex-wife has given me anything during these months of emotional hell, it’s that I’ve earned the right to say whatever the f*ck I want and not apologize for it.  And that’s a delicious feeling that I’m not quite ready to let go of yet.

Still, Sam pressed.

Sam: “Don’t you get lonely?  Why don’t you put yourself out there on eHarmony and just start having a torrid e-mail relationship with someone? Maybe he’ll be in Idaho, and then it would stretch things out over the year.  You wouldn’t have to see him!”

Me: “Nah…too much effort.  That would mean I have to actually emotionally invest in someone.  And care.  I’m way too tired and beyond that for right now.  Besides…there’s something you should know. I’m actually an eHarmony reject.”

Confessions of a Jersey Shore fan – Outing myself to Jersey Shore locals (and still feeling a little dirty afterwards)

Ok, I have a confession to make.  And it’s been a long time coming, but…

I am a fan of MTV’s Jersey Shore. And I SHOULDN’T be.  But I am.  There, I said it.

Cannot freakin’ wait to see what antics those lovable train-wrecks are going to get into tonight. (I think tonight’s episode focuses on Ron-Ron is getting an anal probe!)

Thanks to the casties of MTV’s Jersey Shore I have learned:

• New euphemisms for referencing intimate relations and female body parts.
• How to be a good wingman.  Grenade Whistles for all!
• That the cast is a walking PSA for safe sex/abstinence.  Seriously, kids…this show should make you want to RUN to your parents and slap on that ol’ purity ring.  Yeah, that’s right Selena Gomez…I’m talking to you…take it easy and slow with the Bieb-ster.
• That Snooki and Deena’s definition and personification of “being classy” makes the porn star who recently went on an all-night cocaine bender with Charlie Sheen look like Mother Teresa.
• Kitchen Ditchin’…nuff, said.

I know I am not alone. Eight million viewers tuned in last week, giving MTV’s its highest ratings for a primetime show EVER.  The Snooki-fication of the country has become an interesting “Situation.”   (Did you know that Chuck Schumer saw Snooki at Reagan National, waved, said hello…AND SHE DIDN”T KNOW WHO HE WAS AND IGNORED HIM???)

So as you can imagine… I now have to use discretion when the inevitable subject of where I live is broached. And the enormous pop-culture relevancy that Jersey Shore has become has spawned trickle-down fall-out effects on the locals who actually call the Jersey Shore home.  Here are various scenarios that I have encountered in the last few months since the show’s debut.

Music Tuesday – 21 Days till debut of Adele’s “21” album!

Ok…I know she’s not from Jersey.  She’s not even from this side of the pond.  But I freakin’ LOVE LOVE LOVE Adele…and you will, too.

What a fantastic voice…she’s already reached #1 on the charts in 15 countries, and I hope she reaches amazing chart success in the US.  Her album release date is February 22…which means it’s only 21 days until her sophomore album “21” is released.  Yippee!

Her single “Rolling in the Deep” has been burning up the airwaves (and most definitely has become my personal anthem for 2011 thus far.)

Yesterday while driving home, I caught a live studio performance of Adele’s “Someone Like You” on Sirius XM’s BBC Radio…hauntingly beautiful…I posted a YouTube link below.

Enjoy!

Click here to order Adele’s album from Amazon.

New Music Tuesday – Nicole Atkins, “Vultures”

From the lovely Jersey Shore-native, Nicole Atkins.  Her new album, “Mondo Amore”, drops February 8th.

Enjoy!

Let’s get SMASHED. (Plates, that is…)

Oh boy, did I lapse on my New Year’s resolution already.  I promised I’d write a new post at least once a week, and that fell by the wayside.  I’m sorry.  As you may have gathered, I have been pre-occupied with a lot of stuff.  Plus, my life during the past few weeks has been really boring and dull, so there’s not much you would have wanted to read anyway.

Ok…so what’s been going on in Non-Jersey Girl land, you may ask?

I have been back at the gym regularly since December.  It wasn’t so much as to lose weight, but to calm my stress and get my endorphins going (hey, gotta get my dose from somewhere since I’m separated.)  I’ve been feeling pretty good overall…but I realized I still have a lot of emotions and anger to let go.

So I started amping up my routines.  Power lifting classes.  Hard-core indoor bike spinning.  Group kickboxing.

It still was not been enough to calm me down.

A long time family friend suggested, “Why don’t you go break something?”

Me: “You mean like breaking dishes at a Greek restaurant?”

Her: “Well…yeah…but the Greek restaurants don’t really do that around here.  Why don’t you just go buy some and break them?”

I pondered it for a minute, hugged her, and drove off to the nearest Salvation Army in search of poor, hapless earthenware, stoneware and Depression-era glass pieces that I could pulverize.

Blizzards & Blogging…making the best of a snowy situation and avoiding cabin fever

Wow, has it really been over two weeks since my last post???  Sorry, kids…between finishing up my grad project (got an “A”, thank you), holiday craziness, etc. , the time there seemed like it was slip-sliding away for a bit.

Until now, that is.

Winter Wonderland, my ass.

The Blizzard of 2010 (the post-Christmas Nor’easter which dumped over 30″ of snow on the Jersey Shore) has caused most New Jersey residents to take an extended pause.  Three days after the Boxing Day Blizzard (cute, huh?), it’s still terrible out there.  Major NJ highways are still closed due to abandoned cars that hindered snow plowing efforts.  Many residential streets are also not plowed, and some residents are still affected by power outages.   Grocery stores and gas stations are also affected due to delivery trucks being unable to make the daily rounds.

I am thankful to say that my family and I are not among those poor souls without power or food.  (That would be bad.)  Over the past three days, we have shoveled out half of our long driveway – enough for a one car-width path to back out to the street.  With my OCD personality, I calculated that we moved about a ton of snow…maybe more (think about a 10-lb scoop of snow and multiply that by 200 scoops…trust me, I was keeping track.)  And, I probably burned as many calories as a one-hour spin class!

It hasn’t been that bad, a minor inconvenience in the grand scheme of things.  (Except if I see one more Eyewitness News people-on-the-street interview of oblivious Upper West Siders who think the snow is “marvelous, we took baby Sophie for her first sleigh ride in Central Park..isn’t that a novelty har har”, I may puke.

My Mink Coat and Ski Mask shoveling ensemble. The Michelob hat adds a nice touch. Too much?

Our Non-Jersey Girl dons “Jeggings” – fashion crime does not ensue (?)

This year for me has been all about major life changes (no, no, not that kind of life change…I’m only in my early 30’s.)  At times some of it was great…at times some of it was awful beyond comprehension…and at times some of it was truly triumphant.

"When it's time to change, you've got to re-arrange" - Peter Brady

I’ve had enough change this year to make Linda Blair’s (from the Exorcist) head turn 180 degrees and vomit pea soup. I’ve had to stop a lot along the way to re-evaluate myself, my goals, and where the next direction will take me.  And I’ve also had to re-learn how to breathe.

I think many women in a life-changing situation go through this internal reflection period, as well as a literal makeover. As Peggy Lee once crooned, “I’ve got to go wash that man out of my hair.”  It’s a cleansing process.  A re-affirmation of self.  Plus it just makes you feel good.

And little by little, I’ve been doing just that.  I had my long hair cut into a funky, edgy bob.  I treated myself to a new Bobbi Brown holiday makeup palette, and have been mastering the art of creating the perfect, sexy  “smoky eye” and mascara’ing my already long lashes to Lady Gaga lengths.  I got serious and finally lost the 20 pounds I had packed on in the last 2 years…(it’s called going to the gym and Weight Watchers, people.  It works.)

Last week I stared into the mirror and didn’t recognize the woman who stared back.  And I liked it.

So, still feeling confident, I decided this week to push the fashion envelope one more time.   I bought a pair of “jeggings”.

Because Neil Diamond and the Chanukah Song go together like peas and carrots…

That is supposed to be David Lee Roth, FYI

It’s not like there are a ton of Hanukkah songs out there to choose from. Besides “Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel”, I can’t think of many others, until Adam Sandler came along with not one, but THREE versions of the Chanukah Song (Hanukkah).

Neil Diamond (affectionately dubbed as The Jewish Elvis) shares his cover of the now-iconic Sandler tune (can we say “iconic” yet? too early???) from his album, A Very Cherry Christmas (still not enough Hanukkah hits to merit its own album).

p.s. Adam Sandler, you should come up with the 2010 version of the song STAT. I’ll even feed you a couple of new lyrics…any more and I want royalties.

“Guess who this year won’t be lighting the menorah…Drunk ass Snooki and the guidos of Jersey Shore-ah!”

“So many latkes to make us all fat…who knows how many calories…there should be an app for that!”

A Happy Hanukkah to all…and to all, a good 8 nights

Ok, ok.  ANOTHER HOLIDAY POST.  After all, ’tis the season for that and all that jazz.

I didn’t think Hanukkah was happening this year for me for a number of reasons…

1. My family isn’t here to celebrate it with me.
2. My family isn’t even Jewish.
3. Hanukkah is not a major holiday on the Jewish calendar.  It rates big with the kids for presents and adults for latke-recipe contests, but it’s really more of a festival.
4. I don’t have access to a deep fryer.
5. I have to work most of the evenings this week.

So, it looked like the “Jewbie” (my self-proclaimed moniker as a recent convert to “The Tribe”) was going to be solo drinking her “vodka-tonicas” during her very first Hanukkah, which is really just wrong-ica.  (Thank you, Adam Sandler.)

When I was out with my parents’ good friends (my surrogate NJ parents), Honey & David, tonight, they asked me about my Hanukkah plans.  When I explained my reasons for not celebrating the holiday this year (see above), they invited me to come light the menorah at their house when I have time over the week. Apparently Hanukkah is a big deal at their home…decorations, latkes frying…I’m excited for Thursday evening (night #2).

I’m hoping we can get a serious game of dreidel going.  I want the full Hanukkah Experience.

p.s. My posts may be very sporadic over the next 8 days.  Lots of work and a school presentation to finish up.  But I have a little present for you to tide you over: A Facebook friend shared this awesome Hanukkah remix by Jewish acapella group six13...it does the Biebs and Enrique Inglesias proud!  Enjoy!

Happy Hanukkah, y’all!!! xoxo

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